Can positivity be toxic?

There is a school of thought in the world of wellness that you can ‘positive vibe’ your way out of seemingly negative feelings, but it’s not as straight forward as that, and actually can be detrimental to think that way. I wanted to break down what ‘thinking positively’ really means.

Negative emotions don’t exist…..Radical thought right? But kind of true.

Not in the way that - ‘If i just shift my mind to think positive thoughts it will all go away’. A positive thought doesn’t diminish the sad situation it simply masks it, for a while. For example if you have just been diagnosed with cancer (hello!) or someone has recently died, positive vibing your way out of that sadness or grief just isn’t reality. Even if you manage to, it will no doubt be short lived, or will come up in a therapy session 20 years down the line!

Emotions are not inherently good or bad, they are purely subjective and the are all completely relevant and necessary to us as human beings. We have come to believe that emotions such as sadness, grief, anger are bad, especially as women….but they aren’t. Emotions are simply an insight into the situation you are currently in. There are there to highlight how you are feeling, and create space for learning, growing through difficult situations. It is how we relate and respond to those emotions that truly impacts us.

We all go through our own traumas in life and will all experience them differently, depending on how you mind perceives it. How you mind reacts to a situation is based on a whole catalogue of past experiences. It is why some people have fears of things and others don’t. All through your life your mind has been banking different situation and storing them as memories to help you figure out how to respond in every situation you come up against.

For me for example, being diagnosed with breast cancer wasn’t as traumatic as it is for a lot of people, I already new that breast cancer has a good survival rate, and I knew women who had smashed it and where thriving, so it didn’t trigger the same despair in me. Hearing it had spread however, triggered me beyond belief as the only reference I have for this ultimately was….well, not good!

It took sitting with that fear and processing why I was so scared, breaking down my stored memories that triggered me, beginning researching to understand the difference in cancers, treatment options, and to find many hopeful stories of people who had survived a lot worse to help me begin, to shift that.

It is important we are able to face all emotions with healthy acceptance, and without fear, so we can see what we truly need in that time in order to heal. When we deny emotions that we deem as negative, or try to ignore it and put a positive plaster over it, we only perpetuate these feelings. This is where ‘your thoughts become your reality’ comes into play. Putting more focus on NOT wanting to feel a certain way only gives it more weight.

With all that being said, it is important we don’t let ourselves become consumed by the ‘negative’ response. Your emotions are not you, so its important we have a healthy relationship with our feelings, and not to let them overcome take over your headspace, but create space to see it and observe it from an external place.

It’s also super important that when supporting people going through these emotions that we don’t inflict toxic positivity on them. Telling someone to just ‘think positively’ when they are in the grips of fear IS NOT HELPFUL.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,because each has been sentas a guide from beyond.

RUMI

To really be able to positively deal with your emotions it means to find a way to show up with positive action in the face of any situation. Finding your ‘thing’ that helps you feel balanced and centred is so helpful in shifting our thoughts. Some things that really help you move away from toxic positivity but help you cultivate a good relationship with our emotions.

• JOURNALLING - The easiest, cheapest way to process emotions. Whether is the morning pages, or a simple few lines on paper to express your feelings, journalling can really help release some heaviness and lighten the load.

• EFT - Tapping is great way to acknowledge your feelings and emotions and help physically start to shift them. It is great for post trauma, high anxiety, because it allows you to really sit with those feelings, and whilst tapping on meridian points you can begin to reprogram the thoughts.

• AFFIRMATIONS - This is a great way to re-write negative patterns. An affirmation won’t get rid of your feelings, but flipping the script and repeating some positive affirmations about yourself can help to create space between you and those feeling of sadness or anxiety etc.

• MEDITATION - Allow yourself to sit with your emotions, in a safe space with no judgement. There is an idea that in mediation you need to clear your mind, but just allowing some time to sit and hold space for all of your emotions can help you see them objectively and start to see what is really triggering your emotions. if you aren’t already a meditator, this is a great place to start

• THE CHOOSE AGAIN METHOD - This seems quite contradictory consider all of the above, but this isn’t about simply choosing a different thought. It is the idea that we can recognise our thought and emotions, we thank that thought for showing us what is bothering us and then we search for a slightly more positive thought within ourselves, and keep choosing again as much as we can.

  This is a similar idea to the feeling wheel. Which recognises different levels of a similar emotion. For example if your instinct is to feel fearful (level 3) about something, when you have sat with that and processed it, can you look at it differently? Maybe you recognise that it is actually anxious (level 2). Maybe then later on in the day you can sit with it again an recognise that it is actually overwhelm (level1).

REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT YOUR EMOTIONS.

NO EMOTIONS ARE BAD.

IT IS IMPORTANT WE FEEL WHAT WE ARE FEELING.

TRY TO FACE ALL YOUR EMOTIONS WITH POSITIVE ACTION ✌︎

XX